Best Short Heaven Jokes – Hilarious and Fun Time
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1. How To Get To Heaven
If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.
NO, the children all answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all thechildren and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?” I
asked them again.
Once more they all answered, “NO!”
“Well,” I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
“Then how can I get into heaven?”
A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD
2. Marriage in Heaven
A very happy couple, on the eve of their wedding day, is killed by two stray bullets in a robbery gone bad. At the pearly gates they approach St. Peter and ask, Please,
sir, we were just about to be married, is there any way we can have the ceremony up
Well, St. Peter replies, It’s never been done but I’ll check into it.
Two hundred years pass and St. Peter calls up the couple and says, Okay, you can get married now.
A couple of months pass and the happy couple isn’t so happy anymore.
Please, St. Peter,” the man complains, my wife is driving me insane. If we weren’t dead already I’d have to kill her.
Okay, okay, St. Peter replies, I’ll see what I can do.
A thousand years pass and St. Peter tracks down the bitterly feuding couple again to share the good news.
That’s great sir, the man exclaims, “but why did it take so long to get married and even longer to divorce?.
Well, St. Peter replies, it usually takes a long time for a priest to grow old and die. How often do you think a lawyer gets up here?
3. Saint Peter & The Musician
Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. Tell me, what have you done in life? says St. Peter.
The Texan says, Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels – I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.
St. Peter says, That’s quite something. Come on in. Next,
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.
Wonderful, says Saint Peter. Come in. Who’s next?
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.
Heavens, says St. Peter. What instrument did you play?
4. Bill Gates died and went to Heaven
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.
Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.
One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
That is a nice suit, my friend, said Gates. Where did you get it?
Actually, the man replied, I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.
Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick? asked Gates.
No, said his new friend, Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.
Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re
showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?
Yes, we use Windows here in heaven, replied Peter, and the Titanic only crashed once.
5. A Priest was Talking to a Group of Kids …
A priest was talking to a group of kids about “being good” and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, Where do you want to go?
Heaven, Heaven, Yelled Little Lisa.
And what do you have to be to get there? asked the priest.
Dead, Yelled Little Johnny.
6. A Dumb Blonde Died and Went to Heaven.
A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”
Oh, No, she said.
But Saint Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy. Who was God’s son? asked Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said Andy,
That’s interesting… What made you say that? said Saint Peter.
Then the Blonde started to sing Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me.
7. A Texan Died and Went to Heaven
A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.
Show me what you got, Pete, said Tex.
St. Peter swung open the gates and
revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.
We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch, said Tex.
St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.
We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags.
Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The
blinding light and heat were enormous.
We don’t have that, said Tex, but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it
8. Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. “Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.
“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it.
God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa
He said, for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.
9. Lawyer Dies and Goes to Heaven
A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter. Hello mate, says St. Peter, I’m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.
“What?” exclaims the man, astonished.
You heard, no Lawyers.
But, but, but, I’ve been a good man, replies the Lawyer.
Oh really, says St. Peter. What have you done, then ?
Well said the guy, Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 dollars to the starving
children in Africa.
Oh says St.Peter. anything else?
Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 dollars to the homeless.
Hmmm. Anything else? Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 dollars to the Albanian
Okay, said St. Peter, You wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, I’ve had a word with God and he
agrees with me. Here’s your thirty dollars back, now take a hike.
10. Cajuns in Heaven and Hell
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you, I have some Cajuns up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates. My horn is missing. Barbecue sauce is all over their robes. Ham hock, spareribs, and crawfish shells are all over the streets of gold.. Some folks are walking around with one wing . They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. They have eaten almost every animal up here! Some of them aren’t even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair.
The Lord said, I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let’s call the Devil and see how he is dealing with them.
The Devil answered the phone, Hello? Dang, hold on. The Devil returned to the phone and said, Hello, God, what can I do for you?
God replied, Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there with the Cajuns you have there.
The Devil said, “Wait one minute,” and puts the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said “Okay, I’m back. What was the question?”
God asked again, What kind of problems are you having downthere?
The Devil said, Man, I don’t believe this. Hold on, God.
This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, “I’m sorry, God, I can’t talk right now. These Cajuns have done put the fire out, and are holding a benefit to install air conditioning and Direct TV so they can watch LSU in the Sugar Bowl.